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Another Outtake from TQSiT

Chapter 10 is up! And this is an outtake from it!

From The Irregulars: Roald Dahl and the British Spy Ring in Wartime Washington.

The air negotiations promised to be an ongoing source of turbulence and were something the War Cabinet would need to consider. In the meantime, young Dahl was instructed to romance Clare [Congresswoman Clare Booth Luce], who was thirteen years his senior, to see if, with the right kind of encouragement, she could warm to the British position.

Dahl complained to Fath that he had received some pretty steep orders in his time, but this topped them all. According to Fath, Dahl groaned:
"I am all fucked out. That goddam woman has absolutely screwed me from one end of the room to another for three goddam nights." Dahl claimed he had gone back to the ambassador that morning and attempted to plead his case: "'You know its a great assignment, but I just can't go on...' And the Ambassador said, 'Roald, did you see the Charles Laughton movie of Henry VIII?'" When Dahl said yes, Halifax continued: "'Well, do you remember the scene with Henry going into the bedroom with Anne of Cleves, and he turns and says, "the things I've done for England"? Well, that's what you've got to do.'"


The room smelled of fish. Haddock, Susan thought, and herring. Ambassador Flobber, in his black and white-suited glory was preening his feathers. It had to be done carefully. The Penguin was so rotund and awkward on land, he could fall over easily.

Sallowpad was perched on the coat tree.

Peridan was lying flat out on the Ambassador’s fainting couch, arm thrown over his face. Pouring the pilot a glass of diluted wine, Susan gently set it in his hands.

“Thanks, Cuz,” he muttered, fingers slowly curling around the glass. Susan nudged his feet to the side and took a seat at the end of the couch.

“Yes?” squawked Flobber. “What seems to the problem? What is so urgent you must disturb our rest?”

Ambassador Flobber suffered from pronoun and verb confusion. He typically referred to himself in the Royal We – unless royalty was actually present.

Sallowpad explained the problem and their appeal to his higher authority. “As you know, my Lord Ambassador, Gryphon Aerial Corps. Pilot Lord Peridan has been tasked with wooing the Tarkheena Masikah to assure support of Narnia in the Tisroc’s War Council.”

“We thank you for your most noble service,” the Penguin intoned pompously.

“See it’s like this, Lord Ambassador…” Peridan flailed on the fainting couch to an upright position. Susan lent a supporting arm, both to keep the wine from sloshing and to prevent Peridan from sliding right over the side in exhaustion.

Peridan tood a deep breath, a deeper draught of wine, and began again. “Sir, I have had some steep orders in my time, but this one tops them all.”

Flobber idly scratched his head with a flippered wing and belched politely, sending a fresh wave of sardine odor through the office. “How so, my Lord Pilot?”

"I am all fucked out. That godsdam woman has absolutely screwed me from one end of the room to another for three godsdam nights." Peridan groaned dramatically, drained the rest of his wine, and buried his head in his hands.

Flobber stared at the dejected, exhausted pilot. “I see,” he finally said. There was a long pause. “Actually, I do not see. What does this mean, screwed?’ And the other word, fark?”

“Fucked,” Sallowpad supplied, sparing Susan from having to say the word.

“Yes, farked. What does it mean?”

“Mating,” Susan explained. “For pleasure. It is something humans do and of which the Tarkheena is very fond. It can be exhausting, particularly for the male of the Human species.”

A look passed between the Penguin and the Raven, best translated as, No, I do not understand it either.

From his prone position, Peridan mumbled, “You know it’s a great assignment, but I just can't go on.”

“I see,” Flobber said. “So you do not wish to continue getting farked and screwed by the Tarkheena?”

Susan did not correct the Ambassador.

“Damned right,” Peridan grumbled into the floor.

“And the Tarkheena wishes to continue to fark and screw you from one end of the room to the other?”

“She is instatiable,” the pilot moaned miserably.

“But Narnia continues to require the Tarkheena’s support in the War Council?” This question Flobber directed to Sallowpad.

“Yes,” Sallowpad squawked.

The Penguin waddled over to the fainting couch, the reek of fish very strong. He put a consoling wing on the Pilot’s shoulder.

“Peridan, did you see that play performed on the Battle of Beruna anniversary? The one with King Frank VIII?”

“Yes,” Peridan said weakly.

“I admit I did not understand it until now. Do you remember the scene with Frank going into the bedroom with that awful half-Giantess, Cleve of Ann, and he turns and says, ‘the things I have done for Narnia’? Well, that's what you've got to do.”



( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 17th, 2009 12:52 am (UTC)
*giggles madly*

That was fantastic. Absolutely wonderful. Farked...
Nov. 17th, 2009 01:05 am (UTC)
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. *sniggers* Poor Peridan.

Nov. 17th, 2009 01:54 am (UTC)
Oh. Dear. Aslan. The things Peridan does for Narnia.
Ambassador Flobber was a great highlight.
Nov. 17th, 2009 03:36 am (UTC)
*snicker* Cleve of Ann!!! hahahahaha
This is a brilliant and perfect adaptation, and I love it. "Fark" .... good Lord, I'm so impressed by your ability to take this already ridiculously awesome little vignette and make it not only Narnian but also more funny than it already was. Flobber is wondrous, here - it's nice to see the Ambassador in a little scene standing on his own rather than just as a reference. The Royal We except in the presence of actual Royalty! I think those couple of lines perfectly captured everything I know about the Penguin - his bufoonery, his arrogance and pride, his absolute harmlessness, and at the same time the hint of the harm he might do by his cluelessness. Oh, goodness. Love love love!! Thanks for posting this!
Nov. 17th, 2009 03:51 am (UTC)
OMG, that's funny. Talking animals channeling Roald Dahl, with more of that complete bewilderment about human biological function. Talk about shades of BRD and TPG.

ROFLMAO (translation: rolling on the floor laughing my a** off).
Nov. 17th, 2009 11:28 pm (UTC)
You really can't make this stuff, can you? Well... you did, in this case, swapping out Brits with the Good Beasts and Humans of Narnia. Loved it! Poor, poor Peridan. He really does have to put up with much, doesn't it?

And Flobber's usage of the Royal We! Little did he know that he really was in the presence of a true Queen.
Nov. 19th, 2009 11:36 pm (UTC)
OMG. Fark! Fark!

Raucous laughter abounds. This is brilliant! "I am all fucked out. That godsdam woman has absolutely screwed me from one end of the room to another for three godsdam nights." -Just made me so, so happy. *Such* a Peridan thing to say! I love him!

And I continue to amaze myself with my own shipper scene twisting. . . As I imagined it, Susan is sitting with Tebbitt's feet in her lap and throwing sympathetic looks his way.
Nov. 29th, 2009 02:23 am (UTC)
Oh, fark. This is too good for words. You took an anecdote that is already one of my favorites and made it so much better. ROTFL
Feb. 7th, 2010 04:29 pm (UTC)
They say that all jokes become better when applied to Bishops - this story certainly became even better by being applied to Narnians.

It was a little confusing - and very amusing - how you switched back and forth between the Narnian story and the RL recounting.

The things we do for our country ...
Feb. 7th, 2010 04:48 pm (UTC)
By this chapter, the stories start slipping back and forth from Tashbaan to Washington with much less signaling, as everyone hopefully gets more comfortable with the dual -- and really triple -- action. What happens in the writing is that where I am dealing with a real person, such as the Congresswoman or the newspaper gossip writer, I use Narnia and when it is just Susan and the people in the office, I use real life. The ability to put Narnia between me and the real people who are being written about made me more comfortable as some of this comes very, very close to historical fiction. If it gets too confusing, I understand! And I'm sorry! It's a demanding story! And I'm glad you liked "Mr. Brown and Mrs. Ellis."
Apr. 24th, 2012 10:08 pm (UTC)
Oh my
Thank goodness the tea I was drinking missed me iPad I just couln't stop laugh. Fantastic.
Apr. 28th, 2012 08:25 am (UTC)
Re: Oh my
Thank you!
Apr. 27th, 2012 09:27 pm (UTC)
Can't stop giggling! Really lucky I didn't try to actually drink my wine while reading this... That's how I ruined my last computer (getting wine all over the keyboard, that is)... My roommate probably now thinks I'm insane, or drunk, or both, but this is just too funny! "you do not wish to continue getting farked and screwed by the Tarkheena." I love the penguin! Poor Peridan!
Apr. 28th, 2012 08:25 am (UTC)
Thank you! As I've worked on Rat and Sword and the most recent AW update (15), it's fun to be returning to all this again. Even Mrs. Pevensie calls Lord Halifax the Penguin. (And I ruined a set of speakers spitting wine up into them once. When I whined to a friend, "what do I do?" about my wine soaked computer speakers he said, "I don't know. Give them a cracker?"
Jul. 27th, 2012 07:51 pm (UTC)
Fas-cin-ating! And I loved the penguin-raven "I-just-don't-get-this-do-you?' / 'thank-Aslan-I'm-an-avian' moment.

Jul. 29th, 2012 09:26 am (UTC)
Thank you! And really, I think that Aslan, because he is a "True Beast" and because Humans weren't originally in his Narnia creation and Song, sometimes just doesn't "get" Humans especially.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )



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